I am tired, but finally cooler after two scorching days. The temp topped 42 degrees celcius or 107.6 fahrenheit this afternoon so Amy and I stayed inside, doors and windows closed, blinds drawn with the aircon on. The heat still gets to me and I have been feeling sweaty, irritable, grumpy and Amy and I have clashed a few times. I know its me and not her, I know I am the adult, the responsible one, able to control my emotions and measure my responses but sometimes its all just too much and I shout. I hate shouting at Amy, I hate smacking her even more and I have only done it twice, once on her bum over her nappy in the car months ago when she refused to sit in her car seat so I could strap her in. She cried then, big fat tears that made me cry along with her. Earlier this week she took her arms out of the straps in her car seat whilst I was driving and I shouted at her to put them back in immediately or else I would stop the car and she would get a smack. She shouted back “NO” and then blew a spittle laden raspberry so I pulled over, turned around and swatted her leg. She howled and put her arms straight back in and I had to get out and walk round to open the door and pull her to me and cry that I was sorry for shouting and for smacking her. She sobbed that “you scared me mummy, not pack me” and I wanted to die a little.

I know I am pregnant and feel things a hundred times more than normal and that its ok to occasionally shout at my stubborn two and half year old. But right now all I want is so spend these next few months with my daughter, loving and laughing and sharing things before her little world changes. Tonight we lay in her bed together and I told her I love her so much my precious girl and she told me right back that she loves me so much too mummy and we had a cuddle and promised to be kinder to each other tomorrow and to maybe go to the beach if its cooler and my heart feels gladdened.